


Bohemian Rhapsody

by HeadOfSpectre



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, NSFW, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 11:05:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11873040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadOfSpectre/pseuds/HeadOfSpectre
Summary: The best/worst rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody in Paradox Space.





	Bohemian Rhapsody

**Author's Note:**

> A smut fic based on this: http://homestucksexcanons.tumblr.com/post/44329479570
> 
> Some years back I was a filthy Homestuck. I imagine this fic was written while I was relatively new on Tumblr although I can't for the life of me quantify the 'when' of it.  
> What I do remember is that I followed a blog called 'homestucksexcanons' which was a smutty sister blog of a similar blog called 'homestuckfluffcanons' that I moderated at the time. I recall reading one sexcanon they posted that was so outlandish I couldn't help but write a story for it. 
> 
> This story was never intended to be a serious piece of writing, nor was it intended to be even the least bit erotic. Think of this as what it is. A bad joke that's part of a bad fandom. 
> 
> Also I don't think I need to state this but all characters are at least 18 in this fic. So let's just assume it's post comic, shall we?

Dave gave John an affirming nod, both of them still fully dressed, and a goofy smirk on John’s face.  
“We’re doing it man, we’re making this happen.” Dave said under his breath.  
“Yup. Remember, don’t make a sound till you get it in.”  
“Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.”  
The two boys exchanged one last smile, before turning to enter their respective bedrooms.

 

Rose waited on John’s bed, Kanaya had surrendered her for the evening, if only in the interest of procreation but Rose wasn’t stupid or gullible. She knew what this was about and she’d dressed accordingly. A nearly see through lavender teddy and silk panties, the entire ensemble had been handmade by Kanaya herself. John almost forgot the plan, but that didn’t matter. He sat down on the bed, leaning down to kiss her eagerly. She tasted sweet, and the soft caress of her hand against his cheek urged an eager reminder from his member, which pressed against his pants.  
Rose’s smile widened, her hand resting down on her leg.  
“Eager aren’t we?” She asked softly, and he nodded.  
“Y-yeah…”  
“I’ll start off gentle.” She kissed him again, and began to undo his pants, letting his member free, and after admiring it for a moment, gently wrapped her hand around his shaft, and ran her tongue along the length of his cock, before taking it in her mouth, and beginning to bob her head, taking more of his length into her mouth with every stroke. John’s head tilted back, a gasp fighting to break past his lips. But he held it in for as long as he could, before finally, his lips parted.  
“IS THIS THE REAL LIFE…”

Jade’s breasts wrapped eagerly around Dave’s member, her tongue eagerly touching his head as she bounced them up and down, Christ it felt perfect like that. Dave had almost lost himself in the pleasure when he heard John’s voice, and for a second he was confused, before remembering the plan.

“I-IS THIS JUST FANTASY?” He sang, his fingers running through Jade’s hair. 

“CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY!”  
“OPEN YOUR EYES…”  
“LOOK UP TO THE SKIES…”

Jade took Dave’s head in her mouth, her tongue playfully swirling around his head, and her 3Am dress sparkling a little, as she wriggled her rear to tease him, her eyes briefly tilting upwards to meet Daves. He almost forgot the cue, and John had already started the next line before Dave could join in.  
“And SEEEEEEEEE.”  
Solo time.  
He lay back, letting Jade continue her heavenly work, and take more of his Premium Strider Snaussage (If she knew he was thinking like that she’d probably storm out on him) before starting to sing again.  
“I’m just a poor boy…” John echoed the last two words from the next room.  
“I need no sympathy. Because I’m-“

John was having just as much trouble missing his cues. Rose wasn’t as good as Jade, but the warmth and wetness of her mouth made it hard to focus on anything else, as well as the soft little moans she made as she sucked him. Still, he heard Dave’s lead and chimed in with his backing vocals.  
“Easy come, easy go. Little high. Little low…” Rose seemed to take the low part to heart, and pressed herself down until her nose touched his skin, and another low moan escaped her. John barely heard Dave’s continuation.  
“Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me…”  
“TO ME!” He gasped, and paused for a moment to enjoy Rose’s tongue, counting the beats in his head before starting to sing.

“Mama. Just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead…”  
One of Rose’s fingers pressed against his anus, slipping in to the first knuckle, John’s voice caught in his throat. “M-M-MAMA…”  
She giggled, slipping it out, and planting a playful kiss on the tip as an apology, as John quickly composed himself and continued.  
“Life had just begun… and now I’ve gone and thrown it all away…”  
He laid back, and Rose sat up, straddling him gently, smiling, her hands returning to his shaft and stroking him.  
“Mama… Oooooohhh… D-didn’t mean to make you cry… if I’m not back again this time tomorrow… Carry on.”  
She pressed his tip against her vulva, sliding down, and whimpering quietly as he entered her.  
“Carry on… as if n-nothing really matters.”  
His hands came to her hips, holding her in place as he began to thrust.

Dave smiled, hearing John finish his bit. Jade had given up using her breasts, and was now using her tongue against the underside of his cock. Sucking his head when she reached the tip. “Too late…” He squeaked, “My time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body’s achin all the time.”  
She bobbed her head down lower, taking half his length in her mouth, easing a gasp from him, and he sang louder. “GOODBYE EVERYBODY! I’ve got to go! Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth!”  
Jade ‘s eyes seemed to sparkle, as she paused to slip her panties off, and began to rub her own clit.  
“Mama… Ooooh…”  
“Any way the wind blows.” John called from the next room, perfectly on cue. With Rose riding him the way she was, he had plenty of time to listen.  
“I don’t wanna die! I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all!”  
Jade smiled, giving his head one final lick, and standing, before undoing the zipper on the back of her dress and letting it fall. She climbed on top of him, wearing nothing but nylons and heels. There was a naughty glint in her eye Dave could barely ignore, he sat up, easing himself into her, and starting to thrust, roughly, and passionately. He slapped her rear, grunting in satisfaction, and waited.

John sat up, meeting Rose halfway for a kiss, his hands pulling up her teddy, and running along her back.  
As soon as their lips parted he smiled, the familiar guitar solo going through his mind as Rose let out a few quiet moans. 

Dave waited until Jade was moaning as well, and starting to shake. “Want it?” He asked softly, and she nodded.  
“Want what?”  
“Mmm, s-spank me.”  
“I didn’t hear you.”  
“SPANK ME!” She whined, and Dave obliged, roughly slapping her cheeks.

That was the cue John was waiting for.  
He waited, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK-  
“I see a little silhouetto of a man…”  
And from the other side of the wall: “SCARAMOUCH, SCARAMOUCH will you do the Fandango!” “Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me!”  
“Galileo.”  
“Galileo.”  
“Galileo.”  
“Galileo.”  
Then, at once, they both finished. “ Galileo Figaro!” but before John could start the next lyric, surprisingly Rose belted it out.  
“Magnifico-o-o-o-o…”  
Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was intentional. He was too horny to care, and the way her nails dug into his chest eased another aggressive thrust from him.  
“I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me!” John sang, Christ he felt his shaft swelling inside her. He was getting close.  
“He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!” The voices didn’t come from Dave, but from Rose, and in the next room Jade. “Spare him his life for his monstrosity!”  
John was almost too shocked to continue, but Rose winked at him. He smiled nervously at her in return, and continued. “Easy come, easy go, will you let me go,”  
“BISMILLAH! No, we will not let you go!” Rose howled, her teeth gritting as she came down hard on him.  
“LET HIM GO!” Jade called in return.  
“BISMILLAH! We will not let you go!”  
“LET HIM GO!”  
“BISMILLAH! We will not let you go!”  
“LET ME GO!”  
“WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO”  
“LET ME GO!”  
Dave built up as well, “Never, never, never: LET ME GOOOOOO!” punctuating each word with a thrust to Jade’s delight, and easing a squeak from her as her first climax of the night tore through her.  
John smiled, the order was messed up but he didn’t care any more.  
“Oh mama mia, mama mia…” He sang. “Mama mia let me go!”  
“Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me…” Dave chimed in response, leaning up to kiss Jade.  
“For me… For me!”  
Jade was pushed back, her legs spread, as Dave positioned himself on top of her and smiled. Her ass was red, her glasses were crooked and her hair was messy, but all the same she offered herself to him, reaching back to spread her cheeks. Dave didn’t question it, he eased himself inside her asshole, pushing himself deeper with every thrust.

John enjoyed the pause for a moment, one of his hands resting on Rose’s breast, her head tilted back in ectasy, short, eager pants coming from her.  
“So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye!” He sang, as Rose’s body began to contract, her orgasm easing a cry from her. 

“So you think you can love me and leave me to die?” Dave sang back over Jade’s mixed cries of pleasure and pain. He felt himself getting steadily closer, the tightness of her ass nearly driving him over the edge.

“Oh, baby, can’t do this to me, baby…” Rose tilted her head, her fingers curling on John’s chest as she pushed herself a little further to finish him off, bouncing slowly and sensually on his cock.

“Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!” Dave replied, his voice strained. Fuck… he wasn’t going to hold it back. He came, his seed spilling into Jade’s bowels, and he hung on top of her for a moment, panting. “Oooh yeah.” He said softly, although John still heard it.  
“Ooooh yeah!” He whined back. “Nothing really matters…”  
“Anyone can see.” John let out a whine, climaxing inside Rose, “N-Nothing really matters…”  
“Nothing really matters to me.” Dave leaned forward, giving Jade a soft kiss on the lips, before pulling out, and laying beside her, holding her in his arms.  
John did the same, rolling Rose onto her side, and snuggling up to her.  
They waited. Dave started first.

“Any way the wind blows…”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Rereading that I regret everything. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. God Forgive me.


End file.
